I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help