[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
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Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Yup
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
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