My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”