Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
This will teach them to underestimate me
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”