Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.