Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?