What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.