– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Do you want to taunt a snowman?