In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit