When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
they really do be looking like this
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Straight people are cancelled
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.