[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.