4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Cake!!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.