You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic