You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me