I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday