guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Name another movie that mislead you?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: