I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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This was the best day of my life
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
accurate
barbara was highly relatable
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.