that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.