Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.