PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
You Might Also Like
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Are you ok, human???
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.