[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.