The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You Might Also Like
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.