true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
#dnd #ttrpg
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Where is your GOD now????
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat