Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Lmfao
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset