Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
🖤✌🏽
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.