No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Think I pulled my liver
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
True?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now