I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I have a new favorite meme page
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!