You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”