At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens