Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?