Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My neck, my back, my…
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.