I just tested negative for patience.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.