Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
an airline just for babies.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.