Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth