One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
when there are deer in the woods
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.