welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot