Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Always
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Canada has crack?