First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.