Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.