My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Just so funny
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose