How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
channeling her this year
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.