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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My therapist after every session
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
A ghost story
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight