This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You Might Also Like
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
#ProTip
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING