You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.