Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious