(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
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Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%