I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song