The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.