I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?