Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What if the weather talks about us?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Why is no one talking about this?!